22.6.09

i just do.

..let me sing you a waltz, about this lovely one nigh stand..

I mean if they were hanged up for 9 years on this one romantic night in Prague..
Why can't I be hanged up on a year and a half relationship?

(yeah, I do know it's just a movie)

How can it still feel right?
What am I gonna do?


oh, oh, it's you again. hi gorgeous. would you walk through town with me?
ooh, oh.

20.6.09

vamos mi cariño todo va a estar bien,
esta noche cambiaré, te juro que cambiaré.

vamos mi cariño ya no llores más,
yo por ti bajaría al sol, y me hundiría en el mar.

kicking myself.

How can I be so stupid?
How could I've learned nothing in all these years?

How could I possibly resist those eyes?

How can I fall for it again?
Find myself in this oh so very familiar situation.

But no, I have learned. Not enough, obviously, but some things.
I won't let it spread. I won't be an ass about it.
I won't hold on to it. Quite the opposite.
At least I'm honest, with him and myself.
And I know better how to handle it.

And even if it got to be bad. And oh, it can be bad.
Even so, I'm good.
Have a routine to hold on to, have a number of distractions available.

Oh, but I have to admit, it feels so good.
To relax, to just feel it. To feel it again.
Damn, it feels so good.

16.6.09

me cuesta.

Saludar, sonreír, cómo estás.
Caminar, qué mirás.
Hace frío y me hace sentir mal.
No explotar.
Responder, no putear.
Traducir, filtrar.
Recordar que no se suele entender lo que digo sin pensar.
Pensar que piensan mal.
Molestar, preocupar si no me fijo.
Verborragia y la idea de que si me molesta te digo.
Y si estoy ebria y te digo no va a ser lo mismo.
Camuflar la violencia. Caretear no me gusta.
Ofender no es lo que busco pero qué.
Cuándo vale y cuándo no vale la pena.
Llamar. O llamar la atención. No hace falta nada.
A mi nadie me trata. A mi no.
Y ojito.
La indulgencia y la auto-indulgencia.
Yo espero no ser así.
Te lo perdono o te lo prohibo.
Dejar pasar por qué.
Quién sos para excusar.
Juzgar o aconsejar.
Quién soy para.
Poder o nada.
Lo único me voy a la mierda.
Tolerar por qué. Aprender.
Me cuesta.
No me gusta lo que no me gusta.
Límites y flexibilidades.
Lastimar.

Fuerza o debilidad.
Voluntad.
Dualidad y oposición.

La Psique que es debil.
Y la Voluntad que es fuerte y limitada.
Que se agota en sostener a la Psique que es debil.
O casi o depende del día.

Los puntos no me cansan me dan fuerza.
Me enseñaron que hacen menos dificil que se entienda.

Hoy la Psique está aislada y yo no puedo sonreir sin mentira.
Hoy no quiere explotar hoy quiere quedarse dormida.
La gente le sonríe y camina y quiere que se vayan.
Hoy la Voluntad está en mover los deditos y producir algunos sonidos, pocos.
La Psique se siente un poco hinchada y bastante callada.
Si le hablan mucho o algo muy dificil se maréa y se pone nerviosa.
La Voluntad la tiene que calmar y que callar.
Y a la Voluntad no le alcanzan las monedas y más vale que vaya buscando porque.

a la sombra de un león.

Llegó, con su espada de madera y zapatos de payaso
a comerse la ciudad.

Compró suerte en Doña Manolita
y al pasar por la Cibeles
quiso sacarla a bailar un vals
como dos enamorados
y dormirse acurrucados
a la sombra de un león.

¿Qué tal?
Estoy sola y sin marido.
Gracias por haber venido
a alegrarme el corazón.

Ayer a la hora de la cena
descubrieron que faltaba
el interno dieciséis.

Tal vez disfrazado de enfermero
se escapó de Cien Pozuelos
con su capirote de papel
y a su estatua preferida
un anillo de pedida
le robó en El Corte Ingles.

Con él en el dedo al día siguiente
vi a la novia del agente
que lo vino a detener.

Cayó como un pájaro del árbol
cuando su abrazo de mármol
le obligaron a soltar.

Y quedó un taxista que pasaba
mudo al ver como empezaba
la Cibeles a llorar.

Y chocó contra el banco central.


8.6.09

PS.

And then I choose him.
Not that I have anything other to go for..
Just saying. Daily, as part of the routine.

Never really considered not to.

have you seen the little piggies -not-

It's weird, but I feel like I hardly know her anymore.
I don't know her expressions, I don't recognize her people.
It's sad. Real sad.

And then there's the new friends.
New, awesome, smart, funny, perfect, in love with a friend of mine new friends.
How swell. (easy there, honey bun, off limits)

And then there's the slightly less new friends
who seem amazing. And who apparently likes to keep me waiting.
And mixed signals. And I'm so fucking horrible at this.

And then there's the always wonderful him.
Doing the same old things. Wonderful and not so much.

And then there's the nausea. And the shivering. And the soared body.
And the mass media-created panic.

And then there's the longings. And how much I fucking hate him.

31.5.09

oh, the guilt. and chaos.

I used to brag about my inability to feel guilty. Man, those were the days.
I feel it growing in me, dark and twisted. I can feel it spreading.
It messes with my head, it makes me act stupid. Stupider.

I can't even look at him. Hug him.
I jump every time he kisses me.
And it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. Really.
But he's being so very good to me. So, so good.

It's just chaotic. And, let's face it, slutty.
But it sort off makes me happy. Momentarily, but really happy.
A hug, a kiss, a touch, a smile. A smart comment. A nice thought.

And there's something about both of them. I just fall.

And then there's the more extended chaos.
The dreaming. Oh, the dreaming.

29.5.09

escena conyugal.

- Les voy a decir que cuando ellos se estaban tomando el bondi para ir al laburo, yo estaba teniendo sexo.
Me reí mientras lo miraba irse a bañar. Le preparé dos sandwiches de salame y queso, y se fue.
Yo encontré mi remera, me la puse y estuve toda empillamada. Era tan cómoda. Me acosté en su cama de dos plazas ahora toda para mi.
Todo era perfecto, excepto por el dolor de panza y la culpa.

28.5.09

girl has a thing for artists.

A former anarchist I just had to have, and got to trust me.
A soul musician who was the smartest and sweetest and.
An art lover who turned into the most amazing of men.
A simple guy with a lot more to him than what meet the eye.
An unbelievably talented artist who became my best friend.
A charming performer who dazzled me with his words.

I know how to choose my man.

"The guy who gave me my first kiss and haven't seen since and now has a band with my ex"
"My dad's girlfriend's daughter's ex boyfriend"

I knew how to choose my man.

The little rich bitch's school former leader of the student council.
It would certainly make a nice addition.

Uhm, that guy. I bet that would be fun.

And then there's her..


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